Remissions of Reality

A Note from the Universe 3/17/11

2011-03-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

If speaking to a spiritual novice during the darker days of human evolution, Scott, one might explain God, metaphorically, as if "He" were angry, testing, and judgmental.

To someone a bit more savvy, during easier times, one might explain God, metaphorically, as if "She" were always loving, nurturing, and forever conspiring on our behalf.

And to someone on the verge of a total breakthrough, during the latter days of human evolution, one might explain God by asking them to turn up the music, take off their shoes, walk in the grass, unleash the dogs, free the canary, catch a breeze, ride a wave, dance every day, get up early, take a nap, stay out late, eat chocolate, feel the love, give stuff away, earn it back, give some more, and laugh.... Really.

Really, really.

Catch a breeze, Scott -
The Universe

Something I needed to hear ...

2011-03-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's time.

Today's Note from the Universe

2011-01-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

Every day, Scott, "the score" is even. Every second, in fact.

Everyone lives each day for him or herself, no matter what they did.

No one owes anything to anyone, no matter what happened.

And from this, what I hope you most get, is that whatever you do next, you do it for the joy it brings you.

Joyfully,
The Universe

Laughing Buddha

2010-09-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

If it's funny, why not laugh?

This is one of my favorite videos of all time. Dennis has just realized how minute the loss of his ego really matters in the grand scheme of things. I guess he found that funny ... and so does Mooji. Hah.

I recently saw a movie called "Eat. Pray. Love." in theaters, starring Julia Roberts. At first glance, this was not my type of movie, but Xina having previously read the book for which the movie is based off of, recommended it wholeheartedly.

In the story, Elizabeth Gilbert, an American author, tells of her experiences as she travels across the world after a heart breaking divorce. It's not your typical flick, and is definitely worth a fair watch. Read the book if that suits, too.

In any case, during her travels she discovers an interesting way to meditate.

The instructions are as such:

1. Sit down.
2. Relax.
3. Close your eyes.
4. Smile.

The end result leaves you with a general feeling of lightheartedness and contentment for the circumstances that surround you. Simply simple. I love it.

On a similar note: LAUGHTER YOGA!

Everyone should stop what they are doing immediately and try this.

Feel the love. <3

Lost Angeles - How Do I Explain?

2010-05-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

Having been back in Los Angeles for over a week now, I found myself reeling from my Peruvian travels while listening to some old interviews with the good bard, Terence McKenna.

He says this about the city of Tokyo ...

"Tokyo in it's jovian atmosphere, and the pretention to fit into the work cycle; how inhuman does one become in an inhuman situation after being apart of it for so long? Tokyo demands the spending of money that the saving of which is perhaps the only way out."

I think McKenna had it right. Tokyo is definitely an expensive place to live. Though when I see McKenna's quote, I can't help but think about my current situation here in Los Angeles. Coming back from Peru with a bank account that has been dwindling for the past 3 months is making survival in the urban environment quite the challenge.

It's all good though. Despite the current circumstances I'm remaining quite positive. My friend Melelani has opened up her incredible Santa Monica Beach condo to me (again) and I can't thank her enough. I find it quite surreal that I've been staying in a place with a view like this for almost half a year now ...

I suppose my biggest dilemma lies in the fact that I am unable to explain the past 3 months to ANYONE who wasn't actually in Peru with me. How do I explain Ayahuasca to people with closed minds? I feel like a broken record saying the same "I-can't-put-what-happened-into-words" phrase over and over again though it holds a lot of truth. You CAN'T put an Ayahuasca experience into words. I realize this now after reading some of my earlier blog posts. There are so many things which I had to omit because there are no words for what I saw and experienced.

Irene and Nicole mentioned to me, a few times, about how everyone who had been at Infinite Light for the past 3 months was a type of resonator - a channel or facilitator of sorts. It would ultimately be up to all of us to spread the love and knowledge we attained (and will continue to attain) with everyone we have contact with back in the "real world". The problem therein lies: How do I possibly explain love, light, and complete oneness to people who have no tolerance for the unexplainable?

Nonetheless, I feel it is my responsibility to relate what HAS happened to the experiences of my peers here in the US somehow. Somehow ...

(4/13/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #23: Another Dimension – Tres Cuartos

2010-04-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

What just happened?

The night started out fast with me puking straight away and I was thankful for it. The previous night’s ceremony left me nauseas all ceremony without a satisfying purge. Having vomited so early, I wasn’t expecting to get as mareado as I did, but … yea.

The darkness of the hut enclosed me. With the exception of a few lit cigarettes spread around the room, I had never seen it so dark before. I could hear Luco singing into his portion of medicine from across the room. A few minutes later, he began to sing full on – shaking chakruna leaves at a rapid pace.

At first, the visions were nothing out of the ordinary (except, of course, they are always out of the ordinary - haha). Slowly, the beaming, radiant marvels changed from just being visions into some type of journey.

I was moving.

Tunnels, voids, shapes, tapestries, colors … weird bugs. I saw them all in quick succession. As if I was flying through them. They approached me as if to say “Hello!” and then flew off into the ether. The frequency of my body seemed to shift and I felt as like I did a few months ago whenever I attempted to induce an Out-of-Body Experience (OoBE).

Luco was singing faster and faster and the rate at which I was traveling sped up with the tempo of his icaro … (or was it the other way around?) My heartbeat was rampant and chills swept my body.

My body? I have a body?

The chills seemed to bring me down some, but the journey continued. I could feel my body buzzing with energy. Suddenly, the icaro changed and my mind’s eye caught a glimpse of a room/box patterned with extravagant geometrical creations I had never seen before. Inside the room/box was an entity of some kind. It was orb-like and had a tail of light. I don’t know why this image flashed to me, but this is what I saw.

Had I reached my destination?

The orb solemnly hovered in stasis. I looked up behind my closed eyes, and saw white light in a beaming tunnel soaring above me. An image of wispy white luminescence hovering in a space of darkness came to me.

I heard Luco’s song change again and became lost in it. The visions died away and I remained in quiet introspection for the remainder of the night. Once Luco came around rubbing Tabu on everyone’s forehead, I felt myself snap out of being mareado. I was drained, but somehow I knew I would feel great the next day …

The Chariot

2010-04-20T16:44:00.000-07:00

I used Taylor’s Alchemical Tarot deck to give myself a reading today.

The card I pulled was The Chariot. “This card represents impatience. Alchemical heating is a gradual process – the alchemist should not add too much heat too quickly. As we draw closer to the Stone, we glimpse it, and want to get to it as quickly a possible. It has been hidden from view, and now it is in plain sight. But getting there, to spiritual wholeness is not a fast process. We must check our impulse to charge off, and proceed more slowly and carefully. We must stay centered.”

“The Chariot offers us exuberance, energy, ambition, and willingness to take on a challenge. These are good traits that can serve us well, as long as they are properly managed and tempered. The long-distance traveler knows how to pace himself so as not to burn out before reaching his destination.” [Alchemical Tarot, p. 87]

The Chariot card is also represented by the number Seven. “Seven is the first number of completion. There are seven metals, seven planets, and seven days of the week. Hippocrates said our lives have seven seasons divided into seven-year cycles, which are marked by transitions between. In myth, seven is associated with the hero, especially the solar hero (the seventh day is Sunday). Seven is a lucky number, and relates to the hero who is lucky as well as plucky.

Plato said the universe is generated out of the triangle and the square, which give the three and four, the elements of the number seven. One may construct four figures out of the triangle and square: a pyramid (fire), octahedron (air), icosahedrons (water), and cube (earth). Seven also is the number of magical and mystical wisdom.” [Alchemical Tarot, p. 87]

Wait … what?

I find it extremely interesting that this Tarot book just basically told me that the universe is generated out of a triangle and square ...

… and the above is what I saw in ceremony on Monday night …

I don’t believe in coincidences.

(4/12/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #22: Time Traveler – Tres Cuartos

2010-04-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

So after much ceremonial introspection and personal review of a particular moment in my life, I’m 99.9% positive I’ve experienced what can only be described as time travel. I was 12 or 13 years of age when the loss of clock time took place.

I had been lying in bed and watching TV for a couple of hours or so. The moonlight was very bright that night as it was the only lighting in my room besides the TV screen. I remember not feeling tired at all, but having been sitting up for a while, I decided that I wanted to rest my head for a bit. My eyes closed to blink and in less than a tenth of a second they opened to resume watching TV.

The instant that my head touched the pillow is when it happened. My eyes opened and with much surprise, the moonlight filling my room had been replaced with a bright morning sun. Wait … what? My TV was still on and I was lying in the exact same position I had been just a moment (or what seemed like a moment) before. If I went to sleep, there had been no dreams and I didn’t move one inch the whole night. I felt like I barely took a breath much less slept a full night’s sleep. I didn’t even set an alarm. It was literally as if no lapse of time had taken place from the moment before I blinked my eyes to when they opened.

At the time, I remember being quite frustrated as I was never fond of missing out on a good night’s sleep and I hated the fact that I had to be back at school again so soon. Nonetheless, I shrugged the event off as an odd occurrence of sleep and never gave it another thought – of course, until last night’s ceremony.

I don’t know why the event even popped into my head, except that I had previously been listening to a great deal of Terence McKenna lectures involving his theories on time travel. During the ceremony I had been considering the abstract fact that being here - isolated in Peru - is almost like being locked away in a time capsule. So far away from “civilization” it’s easy to lose track of the date … and even easier to lose track of the time. Each day blends into the next and everything seems to happen so slowly.

Despite the slowness of life here, I know time is passing by very rapidly outside the confines of Jenaro Herrera. I wonder how much has changed back in LA and MS since January … not that I’m longing to be back in either place. Oh well, I’ll find out soon enough.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to enjoy these introspections that Ayahuasca is bringing p in my final days here at Infinite Light - including the visions I experienced last night. I’m not sure if this is related to time travel in anyway, but this is the image I saw quite clearly last night. Enjoy my scribbles …

Dreamwork

2010-04-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

Ever since my first week taking Ayahuasca, I’ve noticed my dreams becoming more and more symbolically meaningful. Whenever I have a free moment to catch some ZZZs, my mind’s eye becomes engulfed with really, really intense dreams. Not necessarily lucid, but in a way I’ve never really experienced them before; Night after night of surreal, unimaginable experience. I can’t help but feel that Ayahuasca is steadily pumping my subconscious with valuable information that only it can understand.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Terence McKenna recently and in an 8 part interview entitled “The Tree of Knowledge” he goes on a tangent about dreams. Mostly stating that when our minds dream, we are still on the fringes of consciousness; Our awareness has yet to completely drift away which is why we are able to identify people, places, and things well enough to piece together some type of coherent, structural experience. That being said, once we are past the fringes of our consciousness (which we more than likely do every single night) it is possible that our minds visit unfathomable dimensions of which we are unable to even speak. Perhaps, the level of consciousness our minds are able to slip into wouldn’t even make sense in the waking state. I like this concept as it further reinforces the idea of this reality being only a fraction of what actually happens … ever.

Last night, I had a dream so realistic that I’m open to call this a possible “past-life” regression. Artillery shells rained down all around me. Soldiers fell to the earth in agony of the wounds to which they succumbed just moments before I saw them. Where was I? I saw myself looking through a lens. With the onset of tunnel vision in the midst of such chaos, my alter-ego began to take pictures.

I was a photographer ... en medias ra, on a battlefield of somewhere in Vietnam.

Through my lens, pictures began to take shape of soldiers dressed in camouflaged green uniforms charging blindly into a wall of thick, wet jungle. Either they were incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. I was in Vietnam. I figured it out. The whole scenario became much clearer when I saw NVA soldiers firing from a secured location deeper in the jungle.

The setting changed - artillery was falling even closer. A soldier was charging at me through white gunsmoke. Why was he charging me? All I had was a camera. I didn’t want to kill him, but he wanted to kill me. I was scared but I didn’t run. I stood by, fearlessly taking pictures. Suddenly, my momentum was being carried backwards – as if I was on a moving platform. I was on a flatbed truck of some kind … with wounded soldiers piled on behind me, no less. We were retreating from the battle. The Vietnamese soldier was still charging me. I could see rage in his face - loathing dripped from the sweat on his brow. Blood dripped from chest, as he had already taken a mortal wound. He lofted the bayonet of his rifle into the air to thrust in my chest as his footing slipped. The soldier’s body collapsed on a mound of jagged rocks and his neck broke in what appeared to be at least three places – It was gruesome. More soldiers were dying all around us. I continued to snap pictures.

The dream all of a sudden began to lose shape, and my own reality started to form around my senses. I heard roosters crowing outside the apprentice hut. The sound of Jeff’s generator hummed in the background. The zipper of my bed’s mosquito net ripped down and I awakened to Xina’s smiling eyes peaking through.

The experience was over … albeit happily so.

Ayahuasca is definitely working in my dreams. I can feel it.

(4/2/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #20: I Took a Picture of Fairy – Lleno++Medio Gordo

2010-04-03T19:12:00.000-07:00

So many amazing things happened last night. I feel that if I try to write about them all I will miss something. Just know that last night was the most mareado I’ve been on the medicine up to this point. Nothing made sense. I felt my grasp on reality literally slipping away. Everything was funny. Everything was love. The sky was magical and clear. Pure moonlight rained down upon us from a diamond canopy the likes of which I had never seen before. Think of any fairy-tale and put yourself in it; That’s what last night was like.

Speaking of fairy-tales, I decided to try and take a picture of the night sky because it was so moving. Of course, my camera couldn’t pick it up, but on my first shots I forgot to turn my flash off …

This is how the picture came out …

Just so you have some frame of reference ...

One second later ...

... And no, those aren't smudges ...

(4/1/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #19: Rat Symphony – Medio Gordo

2010-04-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

After two and a half hours of waiting, mareado did not come. I even asked for more but Luco told me to wait until the next night’s ceremony. Being in the ceremony hut was frustrating and boring as nothing was really happening to me. I wasn’t the least bit nauseas and the bathroom wasn’t even necessary. Additionally, the local discothèque was blaring its loud music for some odd reason. Usually, the discothèque only opens on the weekends, but it was definitely open during the middle of the week last night. Ugh.

I watched as Xina left before ceremony was over and assumed she was having the same troubles I was. (She wasn’t.) I followed suit around 1am. My stomach churned as I got in bed.

4am. My head was spinning head and I had a strong urge to puke. “NOW I’m mareado …”, I thought in sarcastic frustration. I vaguely remember patterns and flashes of light. Images of extreme decay and pure luminescence appeared in contrast of each other about 10x in row. Trippy.

All around me I could hear the rats going crazy; Scampering around the floor beneath my bed, walking along the beams above my head. One of the rats even lost its balance and fell on top of my mosquito net which was unsettling to say the least. Their symphony of whimpers seemed to be caused by something not unlike the ghostly howl of roosters that occasionally echoes through the rainforest at night. Energy? Gaia? Consciousness? What was it? ...

(3/30/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #18: Mareado Mandalas – Tres Cuartos++

2010-04-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

My ethereal visions seemed to have returned, except this time with more color! What I was seeing appeared even more beautiful and astonishing than I remember. After an hour or so of listening to Luco’s icaros, Mandalas and circular wave patterns danced in front of me every time I closed my eyes. The amount of detail I saw was incredible. The Mandalas turned into tunnels (worm holes?) that went on forever. That was also when thoughts of my parent’s began to surface.

I saw a vision of my Mother and Father. I saw myself running to hug them as if I was a young child. In slow motion, no less. Tears welled up and began to pour from my face. I was crying uncontrollably. It was such a sad realization, but I knew it was true; I had never seen my parents so happy at the same time in many, many years and at that moment, I just wanted them to be happy the way I was when I was younger.

Living life as an adult in Los Angeles and now here in Peru, it has been easy for me to get caught up in life and not talk to them so often. Hopefully they know that my love for them is insurmountable by any distance or lack of communication. (Just before ceremony started, I had been listening to this song: I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You by Colin Hay from the Garden State Soundtrack … it was playing in my head over and over during my visions for the entirety of the night. Believe me, tears came easy hearing this one.)

I paused to blow my nose and after the visions of my parents had finished, I vomited. A purge of sadness, I assume.

I opened my eyes to find that ceremony was over, but my visions hadn’t stopped. A circular image of red rose petals turned into another spinning mandala. This mandala had Egyptian-like writing on it and was scrolling from right to left like a conveyor belt. It symmetrically expanded until it had crept over my entire field of vision. Each petal broke apart and turned into tiny specs of moving life energy. (They looked like tiny worms or cells or … something?) The moving life energy transformed into more miniature flowers and began to rise above my head. Hues of purple all the way up to white filled in the background as energy overtook my senses. The energy felt incredible! Pure love is what I felt. I smiled and knew that Aya was done for the night.

++ Denotes that the dosage was given in a new, intimidatingly larger glass than in previous ceremonies. That being said, a tres quartos for this ceremony was probably the equivalent to a lleno and a quarter …

(3/29/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #17: The Warmth – Tres Cuartos + un Cuarto

2010-04-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

“Ai mi Moreno!”, Luco cried out in laughter as I asked for and drank my second helping of Aya; another quarter. Haha … I love Luco. It wasn’t until after this point that the familiar feeling of being mareado came over me. Circular rotating objects wallpapered my line of sight but would not stay for long. Last night was more of an inward thought-spiral of reality tunnels. Memories of past experiences zoomed through my head … Slow down, Scott.

The more I considered the personalities of people with me here at Infinite Light, the more I realized that this is an intensely scripted event. So many different types of people interacting can cause friction at times. Events and interactions that happen around here almost seem to be taking place within a sit-com. Better yet, a living cartoon. What with people all around me doing practicing strange yoga poses, smoking from hookahs, reading tarot cards, carrying crystals around, and aligning chakra points … Is there anything about this experience I should be taking seriously? Yes … everything and nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a realization of doubt, but a realization that this whole play of life doesn’t even cover a full .0000000000000000001% of what actually is (probably much less) … A realization of infinite possibilities.

The Warmth by Incubus

I’ve loved this song since my senior year in high school and Incubus has been one of my favorite bands since before that. Not only are most of the songs on the album “Make Yourself” highly philosophical, but I’ve found that a couple of them are extremely pertinent to my current situation. The Warmth being one of those songs, it’s only been in recent months that I’ve actually started listening to and understanding its lyrics. Considering everything that’s happened to me thus far and what I’ve come to understand about reality including the roles being played within it, the song makes perfect sense … At least to me it does.

“Don’t let the world bring you down …

Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold …

Remember why you came and why you’re alive …

Experience the warmth before you grow old.”

(3/19/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #15: UFOs on the Lonely Plateau – Medio Gordo

2010-03-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

Though this has very little to do with what happened last night, I think it’s very intriguing to note that myself and a few others spotted some UFOs in the clear night sky about 30 minutes before ceremony started; Precisely 4 of them. The UFOs flashed red, green, blue, and yellow as they hovered in stasis sporadically throughout the night sky. Stars don’t do this. Behind them, the Milky Way could be seen in a mystical grandeur.

Having seen them in the skies before last night, a few of us came to the conclusion that these UFOs are probably always there. We are, afterall, in the middle of the Amazonian Rainforest. This place is mystical in and of itself. Why wouldn’t there be UFOs flying around out here? Whether they are alien spacecraft, secret government spy satellites, or weather balloons … I know what I saw. Clear nights make way for strange things to be spotted by the naked eye and I love it.

Anyway …

As far as last night’s ceremony went, again nothing happened. Well, that’s not totally true … I farted a lot and got nauseous but yeah, nothing happened. At this point, I believe I’ve hit a plateau. Last week was so incredible for me it would only be natural for my experience to recede a little. Despite how natural the plateau may be, it’s still very lonely a very lonely place. Listening to others talk about their night makes me think I’ve been going about everything all wrong. Regardless, I must accept what the medicine is doing for me whether I’m mareado or not. Acceptance and patience are key for me right now.

There is one more ceremony left for this group, and considering what’s happened earlier in the week, I’m not going to go into it with much expectation.

Who knows ... Maybe I'll see more UFOs ...

(3/18/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #14: Blocked – Medio Gordo

2010-03-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

… With not a lot to go on, I don’t have much to write about last night.

I feel blocked and unable to experience what I know I can be experiencing. It could be that I’m simply trying too hard … Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? Whatever the case, I can’t let an Ayahuasca ceremony get me down because I know there’s more to this experience than just ceremonies.

My synchronistic number friends have been showing themselves to me in high frequency as of late. Mostly on clocks and page numbers, as those are the only numbers I see on a regular basis. (1:11, 2:22, 3:33, etc.)

What are you trying to tell me?

I cannot forget that I’m actually here; In Peru. Stay present, Scott ... Stay now.

(3/16/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #13: Gotta Have Faith? – Medio Flaco

2010-03-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

A few seconds worth of ethereals left me with another uneventful ceremony.

It’s become apparent that faith is all I have to guide myself on right now. Faith that the medicine is doing what it’s supposed to be doing. Last week was full of beauty and wonder. This week … nothing. Not even a trip to el baño worth writing about.

After a few chills my ceremony was over. At least I stayed awake this time …

We’ll see what happens on Thursday.

(3/15/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #12: ZZzzZ – Medio

2010-03-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

I came to ceremony prepared for anything and what I got was a full night’s sleep. Unfortunately, there’s not much in the way of reporting what happened last night. I drank a medio. It had a sour tinge of added flavor to it … cringe. About 15 minutes after I drank, sleep conquered my will. It felt like I had been sedated … or even better yet, been given a spiritual rufie by Ayahuasca, herself. Although I did dream, remembering their substance seems to be beyond me right now.

As I write this entry now, my compadres tell me that their experiences were one in the same. Either sleep overtook their senses or quite simply nothing happened to them. To my knowledge, not one person purged the whole night and it would appear that the group remained unaffected by Aya on a physical level. Was it a bad brew? Did we eat too much sugar during the off week? … Maybe. Although considering the past 6 months of my life, I cannot accept surface reality as the totality of last night’s experience.

Despite last night’s lack luster events, the WHOLE group, spare one or two people, experienced the same thing. Hmmm. I find this intriguing. To me, last night further reinforces the theme of oneness I felt so strongly only a few ceremonies ago. Group consciousness is in full effect, whether we are aware of it or not. Every person here at any given point is right where they are supposed to be. We are all a link in the chain of consciousness. Without one link, the chain as a whole would be useless. Last night’s apparent mass failure to achieve mareado was no mistake. Last night was meant to teach us … as a whole. Last night was a catalyst in understanding that Ayahuasca does her work on the down-low it sometimes.

Occasionally, she doesn’t need visions or even the intense personal work that comes during the hours of ceremony. Once the medicine is inside our bodies, we are always in ceremony. For me, each moment has become a learning experience as I’m sure my compadres would testify similar thoughts. I’m able to see more of life because of Ayahuasca … and guess what? Life is good.

(3/7/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #11 – No More Llenos – Lleno

2010-03-09T09:06:00.000-08:00

Luco’s light shined in my face. I had every intention to ask for a ‘Medio Gordo’ (a fat half), but ‘Tres Quartos-Flaco’ (three quarters) came spilling out of my mouth. Luco laughed, “Tres Quartos-Exacto!” Chuckles filled the room. Many of my compadres had already taken down LLenos (a full cup) a few minutes earlier, but I was determined not to. I didn’t have a good experience the last time I tried it, although something inside me didn’t want to end the week with less. Luco hesitated as he finished my pour and I jested, “Lleno, por favor!”

“Serio?”, Luco smiled. Something spoke through me, “Porque no?!” The room swelled with “Ooohs” and cheers of support. “What have I done?”, I thought to myself. Slowly, the last quarter lathered into the cup and I cringed. Laughter consumed me. I was totally unprepared for what I was about to consume. A full cup of Ayahuasca - “Ai mi madre …”

I took the brew down as quickly as I could. (I can barely write about this without gagging …) It’s definitely true that Aya gets harder to take down with each ceremony and last night was no different.

One might think that the more of something a person consumes, the greater the effect. Take alcohol, for instance; the more a person drinks, the drunker they get. Let me be the first to tell you that Ayahuasca does not work the same way. Mareado seemed to come after hours of waiting, although it probably only took about an hour.

A straight line shot across my sight. A second line crossed the first to form an X. The X began to rotate for a few seconds and dissipated. Unfortunately, this was the extent of my ethereal visions for the night.

The sight behind my closed eyes blurred briefly as my Astral Eyes took shape within my mind’s eye. Instead of being jet black, this time they were indigo. A new eye had sprouted on my forehead with the same indigo tint. They glowed softly.

My mind’s eye caught visions of faeries hovering above my crown chakra. The image faded quickly, but I would definitely like to explore it in a future ceremony.

Nausea proved to be the highlight of my night as I was finally able to purge; Rather violently, I might say. I felt amazing once I was done, though it would not be until after 6 or so more trips to el baño that I would be fully recovered.

What did I learn from last night? I don’t need a Lleno to feel the effects of the medicine – probably ever. From now on, I’ll be sticking to ‘Medios’ maybe even ‘Quartos’. As far as I Ayahuasca is concerned, less is always more. No more Llenos.

(3/5/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #10: Astral Eyes– Medio Gordo

2010-03-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

The mood wasn’t as light-hearted as the previous ceremony. When Luco entered the hut, I could tell he meant business that night. Normally, the hut would be filled with comedic banter, but for some reason it just wasn’t there. Nicole, Maria, Teresa, and Xina had all chosen not to drink. All of which were unexpected from my perspective, but being drained of energy is as good a reason as any to sit out from a very mentally and physically stimulating event like an Ayahuasca ceremony. I’m sure sleep was the better option of the two.

I heard Nicole and Maria laugh from back in the Apprentice hut and I could tell they were going to be a distraction in the beginning. No matter, I knew it wasn’t going to last long. (This, too, shall pass … right?) In quick succession, everyone received their doses. The whole process of doling out our drinks took about 10 minutes; a new record so far as I could tell. After the drinks had been given, Luco began to whistle softly. I wanted him to sing loudly, but he kept it light. The vibe was not what I was used to.

Mareado came 30 or 40 minutes later, brought about with the onset of infrequent blurry vision behind my closed eyes. “Damn, this is a cool effect, but why is it happening?” I thought. Normally, the blurriness would come after first opening my eyes and closing them immediately afterwards, but on this night, I was being bombarded during long bouts of closed eye meditation.

In the back of my head, a feeling crept over me that inherently knew why the blurry effect was happening, but of course, there was always doubt. I laughed to myself, “No way … it can’t be … this isn’t X-Men.” My stomach churned. El baño to the rescue.

The visions came the way they always do. Fading in from the blackness, their intricacies I can’t describe. Circular vibrations … waves that appeared to emanate from droplets of water expanded in my field of vision. As Luco began waving the chakruna leaves in time with an icaro, images of leaves danced in my head. One by one, the leaves fell across my vision. Suddenly, I felt as thought I was on a boat with low hanging leaves brushing into my face as it slowly paddled into a pale sunset. The leaves turned into soft brush. One after the other, they touched me. My vision blurred again briefly.

Luco was singing full now; Just what I wanted. Another ethereal vision faded into view. The shape of what I saw cannot be put to words. A long, thick tendril protruded from the center of a mass and into my face. Within the tendril was fluid of some kind. I couldn’t tell if it was going in or coming out, but it was moving. I felt energy flowing from where the tendril had entered my face. Slowly, the image faded away and my vision blurred. It was at this point that an urge to blink came over me. Why? I had my eyes closed. “Wait … What?” I blinked my closed eyes. My vision blurred again.

That’s when I realized, my speculations from before have ended up being true. I had a new set of eyes. Eyes for seeing …Eyes for really seeing. Ayahuasca had been installing a new set of eyes for me to see these beautiful visions with all week long and they were finally finished. At least, that is the sense I’m making of it. I saw an image of my face in my mind’s eye. Both my eyes were solid black. They looked like the eyes of an insect, or eyes one might see on the picture of a “grey alien” except the size of my actual eyes. Whenever my eyes were opened they looked normal. While closed, they appeared jet black. Creepy, I know, but it’s what I saw. Of course, my vision blurred again.

Nausea set in as well did another trip to el baño. A total of 5 times in one night was about as much as I could take. “Please, no more,” I begged. Still it kept coming. I was unable to puke the whole night despite a ball of nausea sitting in my chest. The ceremony hut would be my campground as the rain kept me from venturing outside. I allowed the soothing waters to ease my thoughts as David’s cries, moans, and verbal pleads for Luco to give him a ventiada overwhelmed the hut. “Be strong, man … let go,” I thought.

Luco, of course, verbally denied him by asking, “David … Mas Ayahuasca?” The mood lightened as everyone in the hut burst out into laughter. My mind’s eye saw white rays beaming from myself and others in David’s direction. David appeared to cry and laugh at the same time. I opened my eyes and saw a dim moonlight. Closing them back caused my vision to blur again. For some reason, locations of the reoccurring dreams I’ve had my whole life entered flashed into my mind’s eye.

Everyone has what they might consider to be reoccurring dreams. For me personally, there have been a series of dreams I’ve had that all seem to take place in various locations centered around the same region. Each location in this region, I can sense and in some cases blatantly see that they are in someway linked to the other. Kind of like a small city that’s largely modeled after my hometown of Vicksburg, Mississippi “in another dimension”.

Hills aren’t where they should be, buildings look different, colors are misplaced, etc. For all intents and purposes, however, I understand this place. In different dreams I’ve seen the house I grew up in; Which in some way is a kind of “home-base”. I’ve separately dreamed of a beach near the Mississippi river. Other dreams place me near a monstrous and rocky, snow-capped mountain range with some type of castle or fort built into the side; I can see the beach from this mountain. On top of mountain in another dream, I’ve visited a small village where the sun cannot penetrate the cloud-cover. Many dreams have me in a deserted school; a mall with a huge parking lot that’s never filled; Soccer fields; a populated downtown area … all separately, of course. I could go on naming places in great detail … No matter. Like everything else … I know these places are all connected and if need be, I could probably navigate myself to each location in the same dream.

My vision continued to blur while I my mind’s eye caught glimpses of frequent dream realms.

So, why did these images come to me during ceremony? It didn’t take me long to figure out, because I already knew the answer. “They are the astral plane! … ?”, I thought, “My astral plane …” I see these places connected because they are the constant definable dimension above the 5 sense reality I know and interact with in this moment. It would even be feasible to say that I am constantly adding to that dimension. Every learning experience adds something to this realm of the astral.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that the ethereal visions I’ve been seeing are somehow connected to the astral realm as well; and my new set of eyes connected to both. Though their complete capacity is a mystery, I like to think that “The Ethereals”, as I am now calling them, are a sort of background way that Ayahuasca heals and does her work while in ceremony.

With this new realization under my belt, I figured I would go ahead and bequeath my new set of eyes with a name. Nothing fancy, but considering the setting they work within best, “Astral Eyes”, seems to work just fine.

(3/4/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #9: One with Everyone – Tres Quartos

2010-03-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

Aya seems to take me deeper into mareado each night. I feel as though I’m barely scratching the surface; My third eye has become alive! I can sense things! Emotions! The patterns I see appear to preface the more defined images of my mind’s eye that take place throughout the night. In between the images, my stomach churns.

I saw myself surrounded in purple energy. The energy seemed to be infused with spirit. The spirit had a face and it looked like a tree. I was apart of this tree and I could see myself growing with the tree. In a ravenous and ghastly bellow I saw myself reaching for the sky. Together, the tree and I were one. One might assume that I was the tree. My leaves were sparse and green despite the length of my branches. I jested silently, “A lot of room to grow, I see”.

Behind me, the horizon glowed in deep greens and indigo. Floating in and around me were insects of all kinds; I could hear them. I opened my eyes and shifted in my rocker. I heard the fluttering of a bee behind my head that seemed to be flying in circles around me. I turned my head to try and see where it was, but I saw nothing but moonlight. The buzzing persisted for a few more seconds before it subsided.

After a trip to the bathroom, an image of Prem appeared before me. She was soaring through the same skies I saw in my last vision except with added hints of amber and yellow. The velocity at which she traveled was so intense that atmosphere was splitting around her in a bubble of golden flame. Prem’s eyes beamed with an incredible and righteous fury that matched the tinge of flame surrounding her body. What I was seeing may have looked like Prem, but I wasn’t totally convinced that it was her; Perhaps, a spirit in her form? Maybe even her soul? She turned her head to face me as she flew. It was like I was with her in the air. With an etheric yell she flew straight up into the void of sky and out of sight. My stomach wouldn’t allow me follow. The gas bubbles within my gut deemed necessary that it was again time to visit el baño.

As mareado began it’s decent, I found myself in awe of the sensations I had been feeling. I realized that many of the experiences being thrust upon me one after the other by Ayahuasca weren’t necessarily new to me. How often had I sat in bed and allowed my body to course with energy? How many times before has my mind’s eye shown me of the reality of what we fail to see in everyday life? How many times before have I been able to sense the connectedness of all things? How long have I known that beyond our 5 senses, everything and nothing exists all at once? These concepts have never been unfamiliar to me, but with the new exposure that Aya brought into my life … I’m finally seeing now with brilliant presence. I may not be able to translate it all yet, but I feel that it’s coming. Like I mentioned before, I’m only scratching the surface.

I sat in the bathroom for 30 minutes purging from both ends. I was miserable, but the night’s experiences would not let me settle on the feeling of discomfort - Too much laughing to do. Everything was funny.

Sounds of the jungle-night swept into the ceremony hut. My body was so energetically drained; I felt like a dead Duracell battery. The ceremony was now over. I melted into my rocker waiting for another trip to el baño to become necessary (… it did). Nick began to strum his guitar; Two minutes later, his voice belted across the hut, “Tom … this is for you.” He played a moving melody which seemed to last forever.

I’m reading a book called “Ishmael” written by author Daniel Quinn. There is a part in the book where the main character, a gorilla named ‘Ishamel’, is explaining the concept of being in a family versus just living with others. Ishmael says that, “The most fundamental difference was that in Africa I was a member of a family – of a sort of family that the people of your culture haven’t known for thousands of years. If gorillas were capable of such an expression, they would tell you that their family is like a hand, of which they are the fingers. They are fully aware of being a family but are very little aware of being individuals.”

During the song, my mind’s eye saw hues of etheric purple floating above the mass of everyone left in the hut. A web of consciousness? Whatever it is I saw made me smile. I couldn’t help but laugh more. We were all energetically bound to each other. Knowing this brought a feeling of unconditional love and acceptance the likes of which I had never previously been aware. I was, indeed, one with everyone.

(3/2/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #8: My First Ventiada - Medio Gordo

2010-03-05T09:12:00.000-08:00

During an Ayahuasca ceremony, the physical body undergoes a release or purge of negative energies. With vomitting being the most common way to purge, there are various other methods in which the body can purge bad energies; Bowel movements, belching, flatulence, drastic temperature changes, and any number of extreme emotions (fear, sadness, anxiety, anger, etc.). When the purging becomes too intense for a person to handle by themselves, either they can call for help verbally or the shaman will sense the blocked energy and perform what is called a “Ventiada” without being called on at all. Essentially, the person’s soul will send out a distress signal.

More specifically, a ventiada is used to either calm energy if a person is deep in a state of intense mareado or it can be used to pull bad energy out if, in fact, the person is having a difficult time doing so alone. The shaman will shake chacruna leaves to the beat of an icaro in circular motions around the person. Length of time will vary as the shaman sees fit and is different for every person and situation so far as I can tell. A total of three ventiadas were performed last night, one of which was performed on myself.

The night started out rough as I had been battling with a massive headache and chills that had me wrapped up in two blankets (in the jungle …) for about 4 hours before ceremony even started; I was sick. I didn’t even get out of bed until 20 minutes before the ceremony started. Nonetheless, there was no way I could miss out on a session with Aya. She is after all good medicine.

I made sure to dress in layers. A tank top, an incredible MJ tribute t-shirt I bought at the general store for 8 soles (3ish USD) earlier in the day, a hoodie, some long pants, soccer socks, and a black toque that Xina made for my head during Sanango. I was comfortably warm. There was no way chills were going to ruin my ceremony. (They came anyway.)

An hour or so into ceremony, my stomach started turning. A huge knot twisted through my root chakra followed by an equally gaseous grumble. “Oh boy”, I thought. Slowly my thoughts subsided and the visions came; Beautiful and intricate, at first. I realized that these visions don’t just come to you or appear out of nowhere. The visions are always there; They never stop. It is our thoughts that keep them from being visible, perhaps? Basically, we think too much to ever experience more than our 5 sense perception. I like to think that “visions” are the true essence of our thoughts. Regardless, it is only after we silence our spiraling thoughts that we can see the intricacies of what I’ve been so blessed to see, thus far, with the help of Ayahuasca.

After a while, the visions became more and more grotesque. A huge hole that morphed into a gaping mouth came and ate the whole left side of my head. It was a very uneasy sensation. I attempted to blow it away, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I took several deep breaths to no avail. Energy surged through my body, followed by chills. The discomforting visions weren’t stopping. They were no longer beautiful, but somewhat scary. Not to mention my stomach was going haywire and I was now wrapped in a blanket. Everything was becoming too much.

Belches began to emanate from my center at an alarming pace. Where was it all coming from? I kept belching; Over and over again. At one point, I was nauseous enough to puke, but nothing was coming up. My stomach bubbled and a knot twisted and dropped in my intestines. I tossed in my chair, unable to concentrate on the visions I had been seeing before. Every time I opened my eyes I had to close them back immediately. The moonlight was too bright. Every so often, my eyesight would blur for a second behind my closed eyelids. A weird effect though it seemed to help stabilize my minds eye throughout the night.

Luco stood up, and started speaking in Spanish very fast. He appeared to be reciting some kind of prayer. He repeated the prayer about 5 or 6 times, faster and faster each time. The icaros started again. I’m starting to recognize them now – “blanco, blanco medicina …” I wish I knew more of the words, but I like it when it comes around.

The ventiada Luco performed on Teresa lasted for what seemed like hours as I faded in and out of a meditative state. My belches persisted despite my relatively stoic demeanor. “Que pasa?”, Luco asked Jafari, “Mas Ayahuasca?” “No gracias”, Jafari replied in a raspy voice. Luco laughed. Many others joined in. Luco walked back to the center of the hut and resumed his prayer recitations. More icaros followed.

Luco then walked directly to Nexus, who was sitting to my right. My belches became slower and more pronounced. Whatever wanted to come up was right on the brink, but nothing was coming out. The breeze blowing from the chacruna leaves was soothing to my face. A cold sweat washed over me. It was in that moment that Luco’s attention was focused not only on Nexus but now on me, too. I hunched over as I could feel a vomit coming on. God, this was a tough purge. My burps got louder and longer. Where was all the air coming from? For 10 minutes, Luco sang an icaro while waving the chacruna leaves around me. I felt good even though nothing came out. He patted me on the shoulder and asked while chuckling, “Que pasa?” I replied with a drunken smile, “Nada … muy bueno.”

The rest of the night confined me to e. I’d el bano a total of 13 times in one night is enough to qualify a person for temporary IBS. (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) Haha.

I had an incredible dialogue with my subconscious. Many topics were covered; Most of which I can’t actively remember at the present, but I feel I will always understand the concepts I worked out with myself. At one point, my mind stopped working. I was unable to form sentences. Everytime I tried to continue a thought the words wouldn’t make sense and my mind would simply lock up. I laughed because I had never felt so free. I could hear the air flowing into my ears; It was so loud! I could feel it on my skin. I was stillness.

Intensely mareado, obscure images flashed in my minds eyes. I saw a woodshed, maybe? It lasted 3 seconds or so. There was a chair was inside. Both the woodshed and chair were equally used and worn. Black with tar and dirt. Rotting and dead. The look of 400 years worth of deterioration was prevalent everywhere. “Ok.”, I thought.

The same shed and chair now appeared in magnificent golden-white florescence. The wood was smooth and somehow more pure; So pure that they both faded into each other, but I could see them separate. It was no longer a shed, but something else. Somewhere else? An image of a human-like figure appeared out of the chair. This is so hard to explain, but their bodies were just as golden-white as the shed and chair. Their features were puffy. They looked to be filled with helium. I saw a figure, much the same except it was infinitely smaller. A miniature replica of the previous; it kept shrinking and shrinking until I couldn’t see it all.

“Oh my god, did I just go somewhere else?” Keep in mind both these images lasted 3-5 seconds a piece. I saw so much detail. I don’t know what else to say …

The ceremony hut was silent now and people were getting up to go to bed. Another 3 trips to le banjo transpired before I felt like heading to bed myself. I was still incredibly mareado walking back to the apprentice house. I could barely walk straight. I stopped to stare at the sky. It was cloudy with a few openings so that you could see some stars. Moonlight shattered as it poured through the spotted roof of atmosphere. Gorgeous. The air was crisp and cool. I could hear bats fluttering overhead. More stars became visible and I was entranced by them. What I was seeing in that moment … no words can describe.

(3/1/10) Ayahuasca Ceremony #7: The Leaf Lady Bestows a Gift - Medio Gordo

2010-03-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

I’m having a difficult time putting words to what I experienced last night. #7 was so intensely personal and by far the most visually stimulating that words may downgrade the totality of what actually happened. Still, my need to express persists; So take this entry for what it’s worth: An “expression of the inexpressible” or as my amigo Nick would more obscurely say, “Dancing with the infinite while standing in the absolute.”

The brew took extra effort to drink down, but I was able to stomach it for a long time it seemed. I asked for a medio gordo; A fat-half cup of Ayahuasca. Half was how I started the week for our last ceremonies, so I figured this week should be no different. I was one of the last to receive a dosage. (By the way, one of the coolest things ever is watching Luco or Meghan sing icaros and blow mopacho smoke into the glass just before drinking it. It seems to personalize the dose for each individual as only a shaman could deem necessary.) Nexxus and Jeff drank shortly after myself.

Once everyone had their fill, Luco began to sing; I welcomed this. Luco’s voice with the added swoops of his chacruna leaves made for a lovely serenade between my compadres’ spitting and sparking up of their lighters. The sounds of ceremony had officially begun. Anxious thoughts of random events popped into my brain when I wasn’t paying attention to the icaros. Damn, the ego is a crafty beast. Even so, I was eventually able to subdue the thought spirals; Muchos gracias, ”A New Earth”.

About 45 minutes had passed … at least it felt like 45 minutes before I started feeling mareado. Behind my closed eyes, I could see far away flashes of jumbled white light; Nothing out of the ordinary as I had seen this many times before. In and out of the blackness they came, until they disappeared and I had apparently drifted off to sleep.

It was quick, but the lucid dream came and went as suddenly as the aforementioned flashes. I saw a small fire with people around it. As yet, I can’t remember who was with me around this fire; Possibly Irene, or was it just her voice I heard? Maybe Geter? A few others of the group as well. I don’t know. The whole thing happened so fast. A bowl was presented over the fire by a hand from the shadows. “Can you drink this?”, the voice of the hand asked in a deep female Spanish accent. I looked at the bowl with curiosity. I didn’t know what to say because I had already drank my fill of Aya that night. There was no way I was going to drink more without vomiting all over myself. I allowed my gaze to lock upon the hand that held the bowl; There were leaves all over it. More leaves pasted to her arm; On her torso. Wait, these leaves weren’t pasted on, they were … apart of her?

As my gaze ran upward to her face, astonishment set in. She had no neck, but a solid column of leaves piled on top of her shoulders. Within the column of leaves was a set of human eyes and a mouth. An even larger crown of leaves rested on brances above her head like a halo. (If you’re not following, don’t worry, I had a hard time following this dream myself.) It was a full fledged leaf-lady; That’s what I’m calling her at least. “Can you drink this?”, she asked me again. The shock of seeing such a manifestation with Irene’s voice woke me up.

Luco was in the middle of whistling an icaro. I opened my eyes to see Jafari help Teresa to le banjo. Even though it was completely dark, the moonlight outside the hut seemed to blind me. I kept my eyes closed. I could hear people burping. Someone to my right began to vomit. The crickets began to chirp louder. Birds cooing in the distance sounded like they were right behind my head. I sat up to shift in my rocker, and my hands seemed to be aware of the stitching in my blanket as though I had never felt the stitching in a blanket before. “Shit, this thing feels weird?”, I thought.

My senses were dramatically heightened. I felt dizzy, even behind my closed eyes. Ah, to be mareado; So difficult to describe. It was as if my whole being felt taken by the medicine. The feeling was uncomfortable, yet familiar and contrastingly pleasant. My vision blurred behind my closed eyelids for what seemed like half a second. How is that even possible? My stomach began to bubble and I farted silently. Many others of my compadres followed suit, as did Luco, who, by the way, is a master of flatulence. Consecutive farts, loud and plentiful. They make me laugh.

Meghan says that Luco sometimes purges on behalf of others who are in ceremony. There is no way this concept can’t be true in some regard. Never before had I heard a person fart so much in such a small period of time, thus confirming the purging-for-others concept … at least, for myself. Thankfully, all the farts I heard were nil of smell; Much to the appeasement of my heightened senses. My stomach rumbled again and my eyes remained closed.

Tiny buttons that didn’t seem to really be buttons began to take shape. The buttons were tightly packed and appeared to be coming from a source that was just out of my eyesight. What I saw was ethereal, but it definitely had a form. The tiny-moving-ethereal-buttons ran from a source like liquid flowing from a fountain. Gradually, the source rose in height. The source began to grow. Like a spider would furl its legs just before a jump. The source towered over me so high I could no longer see this source, but only the legs from which it lengthened itself; Intimidating, but beautiful. The buttons were still flowing within the skin of the source; Like blood-cells in the human body.

I heard someone vomit in the bathroom; They were letting it loose on both ends. I chuckled. I think it was Ian. My eyes opened briefly only to see blurred moonlighting under the thatched roof of the ceremony hut. My eyes would have me only keep them closed. Fair enough. What I next saw, began as a slithering snake; Half of one, perhaps? It turned into peacock feathers which folded again and again in and upon itself, eventually overtaking my entire field of vision.

My emotions were going crazy. I felt so loved and so comfortable, despite my obvious physical discomfort. I suppose, I could have cried, but I was so astounded by the intricacies of what I was witnessing that crying was not an option. I can barely describe them now in this moment. Words don’t work well with this, our language can’t comprehend what I saw. Everytime I closed my eyes, another beautiful display would take form in place of the previous. These ethereal visions of beauty came at me, all around me, albeit faintly they seemed to overtake me. Luco’s icaros were silent by now.

I saw what appeared to be one of those Chinese-looking dragon snakes that has tons of human feet carrying it around in parades and such. With huge black flowing tendrils, the monster turned to face me; It was black. The dragon-snake got closer. It wasn’t so much scary as I didn’t like it so close to me. The mere sight of the beast made me uncomfortable so I blew air at it the way Meghan and Luco had instructed us if we encounter spirits of ill will. The dragon-snake floated upwards and turned away. I felt relieved. My stomach was growling more now. Nausea.

I sat up, and there was definitely no struggle with this purge. It came up graciously, and I was again relieved be rid of such physical discomfort. My own loud burps followed the purge as Tom rushed over with a clean bucket before I had even asked for help. “Muchas gracias.”, I mumbled.

Joey, who was sitting immediately to my left, began his purge right after mine. Maybe I triggered it? I heard random vomits from everywhere around the hut, at this point. My eyes had closed again. Sounds of the jungle over-took my senses, but it was oddly quiet; The kind of quiet that happens just before a big storm. That’s when the wave hit. Mucho pollo galleno! Roosters! Crowing everywhere! The crows came in a wave from what seemed like miles away. They were passing a message!? Well, I didn’t know for sure, but the medicine seemed to agree with that concept. Roosters around the ceremony hut began to join in with what seemed like every other rooster in the village. I never thought such an annoying sound could be so amazing. The wave of sound was so engaging, how could I not enjoy its majesty.

As suddenly as it started, the roosters became silent again. With the wave of crowing now passed, jungle-birds cooing in the distance seemed to float on top of cricket chirps that surrounded the ceremony hut. Could it be that cricket chirps and toad croaks carry the sound of birds in the distance? It seemed to make sense in that moment.

Every noise was so loud and pronounced; as if each chirp and croak was waking me from a deep slumber. I became lost in them. That’s when the vibrations began. I thought, for a moment, that my chair was moving because I had shifted. Which I had, in fact, just done but the vibrations persisted. I was completely aware that my body was quite still. Yet, the vibrations were shaking my whole body, mostly from my chest. My heart? My heart chakra?

Imagine, for a moment, the concept of Free Energy. Let us say, a positively charged magnet is placed within an enclosure composed totally of the exact negative charge of the single magnet; All four walls. Within this enclosure, the positive magnet has nowhere to go but float in stasis. If the magnet is moved or pushed towards one of the walls, it is impossible for contact (We all know how magnets work, right?) with the wall to take place without immediate movement or retraction in the opposite reaction. The magnet appears to float, but forces from the negative magnets are in reality keeping it airborne. Thus, the momentum caused by this retraction will force contact with the opposite wall, so forth and so on. Movement and vibration have occurred. (Yea so, this may not be the way Free Energy actually works, but it makes sense to me.)

The above is what I felt within my chest. A ball of energy was rapidly vibrating my whole body. I physically, consciously felt the vibrations taking place … even though, I was not actually moving. My heart beat became faster. The sensation was similar to sitting on an uneven washing machine as it spins a huge load of clothes. The vibrations persisted for about 5 minutes. I sat there in awe.

Gradually, the mental image of a glowing egg bouncing around my chest overtook my minds eye. The egg started to crack. The vibrations caused the egg to give way even further. Pure yellowish-white light energy inside of the egg began to spill out and into my entire body … Ecstasy. The vibrations stopped. I felt love.

My rocking chair bounded back and forth as my head fell backward into the padding. I was sated with astonishment and gratefulness for the sensations that just shot through my physical being. A hint of honey caressed my taste buds. Huh? Oh well, it tasted glorious.

I opened my eyes and felt mucho stomach grumbles. I felt that I had seen and experienced just about as much as I was going to see that night. Apparently, ceremony had ended not too long ago as most of the seats and mats were empty at this point. With a rousing round of flatulents Luco left the ceremony hut. I took my leave right after. My bed back in the apprentice house was calling me. What a night.

This, too, will pass ...

2010-02-27T17:17:00.000-08:00

The past month has given me a lot of new introspection on the function of the “Ego” within our minds. Each of us, have one and, for the most part, they keep up safe from the everyday perils of human existence. Without our egos, we would not exist in the physical plane. We would not have an identity. “My name is Scott and I’m from Mississippi” would mean nothing without the Ego because it defines who we are. The Ego is what makes us crave, it makes us competitive, it drives our passions; In some cases to the detriment of our being. The Ego is also what makes us blind with anger or sadness; It causes fear and doubt in times of stress. In other words, the Ego brings about an inherent flaw within our lives; The inability to view each and every situation we experience with complete subjectivity.

It’s as if everything that happens to us, in each moment, has a status of “Good” or “Bad” and we react based upon the structure of those two outcomes. After a bit of experimentation, I’ve found that looking at life in a structure of “good” or “bad” does not cover all of life’s complex dimensions. It is quite possible to just experience without judgment. Without judgment, there is no fear or doubt, no blind emotions. There are no bad experiences. Life happens in the moment and you are allowed to just be; however, the same thing applies to the supposed “good” situations as well.

So far, a lot of the experiences I’ve had down here in Peru have been testing my so called Ego; gradually diminishing my attachment to what I would previously call a “shitty situation”. Last week’s adventure with Sanango was a testament to what I’ve learned so far and that which I will continue to take in as this moment persists. Ayahuasca has, obviously, been playing a big part in what I would like to call a personal transformation, but I have also had the pleasure to find this book free in the lodge library: Eckhardt Tolle’s A New Earth. If curiosity has piqued for you, do not stray from it. I can’t recommend this book enough.

I had originally wanted to use this blog to post only about my travels, but I found the following to be so profound that I felt the need to not only post it on here to reread for myself, but to share it with anyone who took time out to read it. Once you read the passage, read it again; Let it soak. Many of the sections within the “A New Earth”, I think, require multiple passes to get the most out of its’ potential information. So, despite the story’s simplicity, keep in mind that rereading it may be of some benefit.

According to an ancient Sufi story, there lived a king in some Middle Eastern land who was continuously torn between happiness and despondency. The slightest thing would cause him great upset or provoke an intense reaction and his happiness would quickly turn into disappointment and despair. A time came when the king finally got tired of himself and of life, and he began to seek a way out. He sent for a wise man who lived in his kingdom and who was reputed to be enlightened. When the wise man came, the king said to him, “I want to be like you. Can you give me something that will bring balance, serenity, and wisdom into my life?” I will pay any price you ask.”

The wise man said, “I may be able to help you. But the price is so great that your entire kingdom would not be sufficient payment for it. Therefore it will be a gift to you if you will honor it.” The king gave his assurances, and the wise man left.

A few weeks later, he returned and handed the king an ornate box carved in jade. The king opened the box and found a simple gold ring inside. Some letters were inscribed on the ring. The inscription read: This, too, will pass. “What is the meaning of this?”, asked the king. The wise man said, “Wear this ring always. Whatever happens, before you call it good or bad, touch this ring and read the inscription. This way, you will always be at peace.”

After I finished reading this part of the book, I was awestruck. “Can life really be this simple?”, I asked myself. Why not? Everyday our lives are full of minor and major inconveniences that we create with our own minds; Money problems, careers, family issues, the desire for success, being too hot/cold, bugs biting, “this food sucks”, etc. Self-made problems, that in the long run, will pass no matter how grave the moment may seem. However, “This, too, will pass” is applied to good situations as well. All absolute comforts we find and fulfill, will not last and are as transient as the most awful occurrence a person can experience.

So, what do I think “This, too, will pass” means? When “something” happens to you … anything, allow it to happen in the moment and without judgment. Having experimented with this myself recently, I think, you’ll find that life becomes a lot less personal; At least, it has for me. Bad experiences won’t bother you so much, and the good moments won’t keep you so attached.

Tolle continues, “Those words inscribed on the ring are not telling you that you should not enjoy the good in your life, nor are they merely meant to provide some comfort in times of suffering … When you are detached, you gain a higher vantage point from which to view the events in your life instead of being trapped inside them.”

If ever I was going to get a tattoo, “This, too, will pass” would be in high consideration. What an ironic phrase to have permanently inscribed on your body, right? - Because my body, too, will pass. I’m inclined to say that the only thing that never passes is the current moment; The Now. Live in the moment and do not stray from it. Don’t let the objectivity of “good” and “bad” take you away from right now. The moment is all we ever truly posses.

Sanango: My Oil Change (Feb 14th - 21st)

2010-02-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

Rather than give a huge long update from the past week, I decided to just write about the third day of my Sanango Dieta. Day 3 was, by far, the day I got hit hardest by Sanango’s effects; The effects being, temporary loss of muscle control, dizziness, nausea, blindness, and of course, intense inward reflection. Of course, these effects only last up to a day.

Sanango FAQ:

Q. What is Sanango?

A. It is a bush root that grows in out in the jungle.

Q. How is it prepared?

A. In order to get the most benefit from this root, it is best to shave off the bark of the root and place it in water to soak for 6-8 hours before drinking. After it has soaked, the water is strained from the bark, by Luco, into a cup where each of us would drink it. At 3:00 AM for the first three days we were out in the jungle, ceremony would begin and that is the time we began drinking our own brews. Each of us were equipped with our own puke buckets, just like in an Ayahuasca ceremony because, believe me, Sanango does not go down as easy and it also burns. Ay, Dios mio, does it ever burn!

Q. What are the benefits of drinking Sanango?

A. Well, considering my main reason for being out here in the first place is to work with Ayahuasca, think of Sanango as a supplement of sorts. The physical body is strengthened to new levels as it purges physical energy trapped within the body; thus, the loss of muscle control, and various other physical ailments. Meghan has said in the past that “You can only go to as a high frequency as the nervous system can handle.” So, Sanango being in my system will definitely enhance my overall Ayahuasca experiences.

Q. Did you drink Ayahuasca during the week as well?

A. Yes. Only once on the last night we were out in the jungle. I remained surprisingly (on the surface) unaffected by Aya that night, but it was a much different ceremony than any we had in our previous ceremony week. Luco didn’t sing many icaros, and we were of course confined to our mosquito nets the whole time.

If Ayahuasca is My Carwash, then Sanango is My Oil Change

I think it's good to make analogies. Ayahuasca being my carwash has kind of stuck with me for a while now. To think of my body as an incredibly dirty car, one that can barely be seen into because it's so dirty, Ayahuasca is the wash which will make me clean again. If this is the case, Sanango is most definitely an oil change. We all know the benefits that cars receive when they get their oil changed. They run longer and more efficiently. Who wouldn't want this?

Of course, going through the process of getting my "oil changed" didn't come without tribulation. Most of the time spent out in the jungle was confined to a small hut where all 16 participants had their own individual mosquito nets with a small mat for padding. During our time on Sanango, we were not allowed to use soap, toothpaste, salt, sugar, oils, or spices. Our food was prepared and butchered on location and consisted of boiled eggs, boiled plantains, rice, and beans. Every other day or so, we would get grilled chicken and/or fish. A pretty bland selection, but it was all for a higher purpose. The dieta remained in place for a total of 7 days even though we only drank Sanango for the first 3.

Also, during the first three days of the dieta, it was recommended that we not read or listen to music. The reasoning behind this is that it distracts from what Sanango may be trying to teach us internally as there is A LOT of inward reflection during the time where Sanango is directly in our systems. At first, I was annoyed by this rule, but really I didn't even feel like reading or listening to anything. I was barely able to journal while I was there as I was so out of it half the time. Once day five rolled around, I found the gumption to start writing again. Some of which is typed out below.

A week later, I can say my body has never felt more refreshed and cleansed in all of my life. Everything that happened last week, no matter how difficult, was totally worth the temporary discomfort that we gringos experienced. For me, the idea of “normal” life has a new meaning. So here I give you, en medias ra, my third and hardest day during the Sanango Dieta.

Sanango Dieta Day 3

4:30 PM

I found my cup of Sanango already prepared and inside my net when I got back from a short boat trip that Luco had taken us out on. Good. If I wasn’t out on the water I didn’t feel like spending time outside of my net anyway. Mosquitoes, mosquitoes, MAS MOSQUITOS! Mosquitoes everywhere, and these tiny black gnats that seem to be just a ferocious. All the same, it was good to get out of my mosquito net, as I had been lying there for the previous 24 hours doing a lot of nothing. The last two nights of Sanango were eventful, but not to the extent that I was expecting.

I had seen my compadres turn blind, their muscles rendered useless, their ability to control bowel movements thrown out the window; A sight to see, believe me. All I had experienced so far were mild muscle pains, no different from a hard full body workout at the gym. Granted, I had been unable to keep my tea down for longer than 30 minutes after I drank it. Less than 5 minutes the first night. Man, that stuff is foul, and it burns too. My god, does it burn. I was informed that the affects may still take place, though I had definitely been tired and my balance was off all day. Funny.

The sun started to set around 5:30 PM. It’s around this time that the jungle seems to come to life; Even more so after dark. The breeze, the noises, the life! The air also started to cool off. A much welcomed event. It’s as though I can feel the energy, yet I would somehow let the soft buzz of a thousand mosquitoes beside my head distract me; Go figure. No matter, the sun setting was a sign that our last night drinking Sanango tea was approaching. Not that we had much else to look forward to, it was good to have a little ceremony action during the week.

Slowly the hours ticked by. As night crept over, it became increasingly difficult for me to make the decision to get out of my net to go and use the bathroom. A tough decision in the daytime, but the night brought bats, massive toads, and other undesirable crossing my path, even touching my ass in the outhouse dubbed “The Shit House” - I’d rather not risk it. I was bound to lay in my net for the remainder of the night, like a bed-ridden hospital patient. After a few hours of conversation bred from pure boredom, our light bulb went out, and sleep set in.

3:00 AM

Ceremony started as soon as Luco woke up. “Que pasa, Christina?!”, I heard in the dark as he had walked up to Xina’s net and started straining the water from her tea cup. Luco was a brave soul. Our shaman was outside in the middle of a thousand mosquitoes walking up to each of our nets to prepare our brew for final consumption; With no shirt on. Amazing. I wish everyone could see this happen.

Quietly, he moved over to me. Reached for my cup, strained my tea, shined his light in my face and it was done. Oh, man … I’m gagging just thinking about it now. Yep, the stuff burns. This isn’t a quick shot like Ayahuasca. Drinking Sanango requires multiple swallows. Multiple times for the gag reflex to kick in. Still, I knew it was imperative that I keep the brew down tonight; I sat up on my mat for a whole hour to ensure this. Any other position meant I was going to spew everywhere.

I was so uncomfortable. Everytime I would attempt to lay back nausea would take hold and I would have to sit up immediately. Eventually, I was able to lie on my back without inducing the incredible urge to puke all over myself. With a quick peek to make sure my personal puke bucket was close at hand and inside my mosquito net, I drifted off, quite uncomfortably, to dreamland.

A man by the name of Bob Joostun appeared to me in my dream. His purpose was unclear, but I remember him staring at me through dark sunglasses. He wore a green beanie and had a beard. He looked homeless at first glance. I noticed his hoodie. That’s when I felt my arms and legs go numb. How long was I out? Couldn’t have been more than an hour or so.

I woke up to some slight discomfort in my forearms and my legs felt weird; Nothing out of the ordinary. “A little shift will do the trick”, I thought. My nausea seemed to have left, but that’s when I realized my calves and ankles were cramping and rather unmovable. My stomach turned a bit. Apparently, it wasn’t finished going down. I had to sit back up, and knew it was going to be a chore.

My upper body was apparently in the same condition. My forearms weren’t working with my muscles right. It felt like I had been holding my trumpet up for 10 hours straight back in my Phantom Regiment days. “I guess it’s working”, I thought.

You better believe it was working. My bowels started moving not long after. “Not now. Why now?” I knew I had to use the toilet, and I knew I didn’t want to ruin my mattress. I could fortunately still move the rest of my body, so every ounce of my will was used that night to get up out of my net and walk to “The Shit House”.

I made it back to my bed. Sleep came quick, but my muscles were still quite unresponsive. I tossed, turned, drifted, and nodded until 6am, time for our ceremonial dip in the river to cleanse our bodies of bad energies. I was not enthusiastic about this for two reasons. One reason involved me getting up which my body was becoming progressively more resistant to by the hour. The second reason was that I was not keen on trading one extreme temperature for another; Very hot and muggy to very cold and wet. Some people enjoy jumping into the river at this time though. Not me, but alas we had to do it everyday we participate in ceremony and I can see how it’s useful for cleansing.

So off to the river I went. I was able to get up with about as much muscle pain as before. The walk down to the river was grueling, but I made it happen. I’d say about 100 yards from our hut one way. The whole process, to and from, took about 30 minutes or so. Back in my bed hunger came over me, but it was only 6:30am; This was a problem because we didn’t eat breakfast until around 9am or sometimes even 10am. It was also at this time that I realized the process of getting food into my mouth may be difficult considering my muscle problems.

With nothing else to do or think about, I drifted to sleep lying on my back. No dreams occurred that I remember. My eyes opened. “Ay! Dios mio! … I can’t move”, I thought. Attempting to move my legs brought flashes of obliterating my shins and calves for two summers straight in Phantom Regiment. “Is this what Sanango is fixing?” My entire legs shook the more I attempted to move them. I stopped.

“Hmm, can I at least sit up?”, my mind wandered. The answer to this question was no. My arms were worthless. My poor arms and wrists were being worked on after a lifetime of video game conditioning. I was literally paralyzed. I could do nothing but laugh. It was funny.

Xina started laughing at my from her net as apparently the hilarity of my situation was spreading. Luco came over to check me out. He started laughing too! I must’ve looked hilarious splayed out like a lifeless corpse. “Ayuda el bano?”, he asked me in a fit of laughter. “Si.”, was all I could say. Luco had every reason to laugh. He had seen Sanango work its power on countless gringos, probably in ways much worse than myself. But nonetheless, I needed to get up so I didn’t go in my pants. My bowels weren’t stopping for anyone.

Luco and another one of the workers, Jairo, helped me up and out of the hut and into the bathroom where I clumsily was able to do my business. FYI, hovering over a toilet with no seat is hard while your muscles don’t want to work correctly.

Once I was up and out of my net I found myself able to walk around a bit more successfully on my own. Still, the mosquitoes were just a vicious from the previous night so I didn’t want to stay outside long. I rushed back to my net to soak in the heat. Sleep overcame my boredom once again. Vivid dreams I am unable to remember filled my head for an hour or so. After waking up, I realized I was paralyzed again, and this time it was even more difficult to see. What a day this was turning out to be. However, I knew that this is what I signed up for. I knew that because I had all these symptoms Sanango had been successful in infiltrating my body. Muchos gracias, Sanango.

As the hours progressed, I was gradually able to move more of my muscles; However, I had to have help cracking the shell on my boiled eggs ...

Unfortunately, that was all I felt like writing at the time so thus concludes my day 3 dieta experience. How do I feel after everything is all over? Incredible. There is no part of me that would take back a day of the experience. No, I’m not more enlightened because of it, but my physical body just feels better. I feel less toxic than I did before, and I think this feeling will remain with me for a long time yet. Next week marks the first series of ceremonies back with Ayahuasca so I'll definitely be posting about those experiences as well. 'Til next time. Asta luego, and I'll see you on the other side.

My First Week @ Infinite Light - Ayahuasca Ceremonies 1 - 4

2010-02-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

Ceremony #1 (Monday Night - 2/1/10)

Nervousnss. Apprehension. I asked for a half cup. I lit a cigarette. Acceptance. Patience. Inwardness. Love. Laughter. Farts. Burping. Burping. Burping. Burping. Laughter. Laughter. Laughter. PATIENCE. Listening. Icaros. Crickets. Dogs. Quietness. Nauseousness. The medicine has a lot of work to do. Did I hear a flute playing? Desire for acceptance in the group. It’s not yet my time? I still have Xina though. She’s making this Infinitely better. What a blessing. Love.

Plant Collection #1 (Tuesday Morning – 2/2/10)

Luco, our shaman, took a few of us out on the river today. We stopped at so many trees and places along the river. On the second tree we arrived at, I finally felt a real connection to nature. As soon as I blew the mopacho on the tree, I started crying. The emotion was too much to handle. So much recognition and thanks. I’ve never felt anything like it before. It all came out in tears and joy. Irene really helped me to understand and comfort what I thought was sadness. I wonder if Luco could see the energy. I definitely felt something being in the forest for the first time, though I don’t know for sure how to describe it. There is indeed something mystical about the jungle in general. It rained so hard on the way back to IL. I’ve never been so soaked. So cold. So happy. Good trip. I’ll buy some boots tomorrow, so I don’t get my feet wet next time.

Ceremony #2 (Tuesday Night – 2/2/10)

PATIENCE. Medio Gorda. Peace. Peace. Viewfinder Vision. Introspection. PATIENCE. PATIENCE. Icaros. Luco’s Laugh. Luco’s Farts. Luco’s Burps. Natiousness. Meghan’s Icaros. David’s Moaning. Burps. Vomiting. Vomiting. Vomiting. Purging. Purging. Purging. It wanted to come out both ends. The medicine still has much work to do. I’ve yet to see anything convincing or hear any profound epiphanies. Still I saw the far off view-finder images of the previous ceremony flashing in and out of eye-sight. I don’t know how to make them clear yet. PATIENCE? Yes, patience. I was fading in and out of sleep with only one dream to recall. I dreamt of Lori and Taylor, two of the girls in group this session - they had some kind of pet named Curious George, and they put him in a box. Random? I also saw Eddie McKnight. Hope he’s doing well and still listening to Psychedelic Salon. Maybe Aya will find him one day.

Geter should be here. Keep following the path, man.

I had a short conversation with my subconscious during ceremony. I can’t yet remember what was talked about, but I remember we talked at length for about 5 minutes. Or was it longer? I was lost in Icaros and dogs barking in the distance. Oh yeah, and David’s moaning. Meditate?

After ceremony was over I moved my mat away from David to the center of the hut. Xina joined me on my mat and everyone slept there in the ceremony hut that night. Even Luco. He snores loud. Luco is amazing. Although I don’t know him well yet he commands tremendous respect from anyone he comes in contact with. My Spanish will get better so I can talk with him, and all the other locals better. I already know this place will be hard to leave.

Stay in the now. It’s All There Is.

I’ve got a ways to go, yet. Love. Quiet. Desire for acceptance. Desire for Xina. Love for Xina. Love for everyone. We are all connected and I’ll feel it for real soon. I just want to be on the same level as everyone else. They are all so advanced with the medicine. Alas, Patience. PATIENCE. Aya is busy at work. Be patient.

Off-Day/Wednesday (2-3-10)

After the river at 6am, I felt amazing. My body became tremendously sore after ceremony last night. I can barely walk, but I still feel great. This morning marked a period of real bonding for me with the rest of the group. We talked about, of all things, WoW – which, led into an incredibly deep conversation about life and philosophy which was just on my wavelength. Everyone is in agreeance that life is a game. No seriousness. Why? It’s pointless to be serious. I love this place already. Breakfast came so soon. Did 2 hours pass that quickly?

Xina and I walked into town to use the Internet but all the PCs were being used. We went to the general store and I bought some boots and a lighter instead. I’ve officially become a smoker of Natural American Spirit Cigarettes though only during ceremony. They’re completely organic. No chemicals. Pure tobacco. Mmm. Relax. Meditate? Ponder. Relax. Sleep. Rest. Let the medicine do her thing. Aya knows what’s best. I trust her and all the other spirits I met yesterday in the forest. Do work y’all. I’ll be here for while.

Ego no more. Ego no more. Ego no more. Recognize the ego and push it away like Meghan says. No. More. Ego. I see that I am purging it now. Breaking it down. It’s not needed to love. Love works without ego. So many levels, but I just sensed that the ego’s being worked on. Ego no more.

Ceremony #3 (Thursday Night - 2/4/10)

“My heart and mind are open to the divine.”

Before ceremony started, I had set the intention to open my Throat Chakra as it was the only one closed after my last chakra test a few hours before. The vibe was already different than the last two ceremonies before this one even started - So much more relaxed; So much love and energy abound. I remembered all the plants we collected on Tuesday would also be in this brew. Once things got started, I decided a chair would be better for me this time as opposed to the floor mat I had been using before. It all felt organic. I asked Meghan to pour me tres quartos.

The rain came. So soothing.

The icaros began. So melodic.

What a fucking combination.

My eyes closed. I fell back into the darkness of the ceremony hut. This wasn’t so bad. Dizziness took hold. Did I just see a light? Yea – In the bottom peripheral vision behind my closed eyelids I could see bright florescence. Tadpoles! Snakes? - Short ones; About ten of them. Making their way towards my neck and into my throat. One by one, they approached my throat and one by one they burrowed. After a while I began to quiver. I could feel energy in my body. It was so cool.

A few seconds passed and it was over. Frustration came but quickly subdued itself. PATIENCE. Let the medicine work. It IS working. Trust it.

30 minutes later I puked. It felt great.

An hour or so later (or was it two hours?), mediado was strong. My head was dizzy and heavy. I noticed Luco had gotten up from the mesa and was walking around to each person in the hut. All I could see was his lit cigarette and everything else was darkness. I started burping. More burping came as he reached my side of the hut. I could smell the Tabu as Luco slowly he made his way to my chair. Humming icaros, Luco reached out for my forehead and peeled back Xina’s bandanna I was wearing. He briskly rubbed the scent on my 3rd eye and Heart Chakras. As soon as he was finished, I let out a monstrous purge of a burp. Sweet relief. I felt I was done purging for the night. He had moved on to Tom, Jafari, and Irene who were directly to my left and I had fallen back into mediado.

The rest of the ceremony was extremely peaceful.

Crickets. Rain. Rain. RAIN.

I feel as if this is only beginning and everyday brings so much even when not in ceremony. How can I not feel connected to the spirits?

My heart and mind are open to the divine.

My heart and mind are open to the divine.

My heart and mind are open to the divine.

Friday Afternoon (2/5/10)

Ego has been a constant theme of my conversations in and around the ceremony hut. It’s safe to say that this is exactly what I’m purging right now. Recognition is key here. Once some excess has been released, I’ll have room for the good stuff. Only time will tell, but PATIENCE. PATIENCE. Aya is starting to become more evident in daily life now. Pay attention, Scott. You’re always in ceremony.

Ceremony #4 (Friday Night – 2/5/10)

Jafari let me borrow his Throat Chakra bracelet before ceremony tonight. I felt calm. On some deep level I knew that I had broken through a barrier of some kind since the last ceremony and overall, things just felt more in place. My heart was open. My heart IS open.

My heart and mind are open to the divine.

Ceremony started and I was already feeling nauseous. When my turn came to drink - “Tres Quartos”, is what I said. Meghan doled out doses for the right side of the hut and Luco, the left. This system seems much more efficient than Luco going all the way around the room by himself. 20 minutes had passed? I was fighting to keep it down and eventually it stayed. Once the icaros began, I drifted inward. Falling back into my chair and rocking gently. I became lost in thought for I don’t know how long.

I came to in the middle of a deafening silence. At this point, I have no idea how much time has passed and Luco started whistling.

Here come the burps; Strong ones. The kind that can only be followed by a purge. With my eyes closed, I could faintly see moving symmetrical patterns that can only be described as pulses of energy flowing through wires wound tightly together. More burps and finally, the purge. 2 or 3 minutes worth and it felt good. I saw visions of maggots … or maybe even worms in dirt. I was about to get up to clean the bucket myself, but I heard a voice tell me to ask for help. So I did. Tom was gracious enough to help me.

This is when it happened. A rat fell dead from the rafters in the ceiling of the ceremony hut. Wtf. Tom even stepped on it on the way back with a clean bucket for me. Crazy.

Luco got up to do a ventiado on who I thought was either Irene or Theresa to the left of Tom and myself.

Jeff fell backwards in his rocking chair. Everyone broke mediado to laugh hysterically. What was going on in there?

Silence came again, and the icaros began to sing. I closed my eyes and saw wallpaper patterns of plant leaves dancing in front of my face. I felt Ayahuasca befriend me. I could literally feel her friendship and love. She told me to rest and that she would talk to me tomorrow.

Mañana, Aya … Mañana.

Realization of the Infinite

2009-11-11T17:10:00.000-08:00

Being momentary witness to synchronistic numbers on digital clocks seemed to lose the value it once had when I was younger. Back in junior high, my friends would sometimes tell me, "If you ever see 1:11 or, better yet, 11:11 on a digital clock, you're supposed to make a wish." I think this falls under the same superstition as honking your horn while driving under a bridge for good luck. Considering that most everyone is keen on the idea of making a few wishes now and then, wishing is what I tended to do when the numbers would appear to me

Though over time, making wishes just seemed childish. Why spend time thinking about wishes when, rarely, would I see 11:11 or 1:11 on a clock at all. Simply waiting for a synchronistic pattern of numbers to appear on a clock is not fun. Believe me, I've tried. It doesn't work. Well ... It does, but sitting there and watching the time pass is completely not worth the effort.

The numbers would only show up if I wasn't waiting or expecting them to occur in that moment. Like, if I was simply curious of the time. To me, there was something logically meaningful in appearance of synchronized digits on a clock. I just couldn't figure out what that meaning was. As I grew into my high school years, the idea of spotting repeating numbers on digital clocks faded to an afterthought. By the time college started, it was safe to say that I forgotten that such synchronistic phenomena even existed. That is, until about 4 months ago.

I had been at work for just over an hour. Already growing tired of the game I was testing that day, I glanced away to change the music playing on my iPod. As I was looking back at the game monitor, I noticed the in-game HUD. The counter read that I had 111 bullets remaining. Consciously, I thought to myself, "How novel. I remember when repeating numbers used to mean something." However, on a more sedative level of unconscious thought, my mind was busy thinking about the past.

In that moment, I specifically remember thinking about being back in Vietnam during my senior year of college. I loved it there. I wanted to learn more. See more. Ever since my time in Vietnam, and even a bit before, I knew I wanted to travel. But how often does the opportunity to become a professional world traveler ever present itself. Go figure. I shrugged off my thoughts of Vietnam and kept playing.

Later that night, somewhere around hour #12 of an endless overtime shift, the numbers appeared to me again. This time, in their true glory of the digital world. I had been on break, wiping away tears of blood after an evening sprint through the game. (I jest, but seriously, I was tired.) My breaktime had been preoccupied with me attempting to find an outlet for myself. A way to break free from the corporate prison I was initiated into.

I had been looking over my old Peace Corps application and debating whether or not to restart it after a 3 year hiatus. After contemplating a future abroad, I alt-tabbed back to my desktop. That's when I saw them - 11:11 on the clock in the bottom right corner of Windows. It was too funny. I saw them twice in one day. Could it be that I am being lead to something? Perhaps a calling? A realization of some kind?

Ever since that day a few months ago. Synchronistic numbers have been making their presence known to me in a variety of ways. It doesn't matter where I am - at work, at home, in the car, at the gym, or playing a video game. I literally see repeating numbers everywhere. It would seem that the synchronistic phenomena is no longer limited to digital clocks. It's gone viral! I'm actually starting to get a real kick out of experiencing such things so consecutively. Synchronistic experiences that appear so real and so uncanny to even be happening. For instance, meeting people with whom an instant connection is felt. Among other happenings, there are far too many for me to write about in this post, but I'll get to that.

Ok, I know what you're thinking. "If you look for numbers and coincidences all the time, of course you're going to see them." That's just it, though. I don't look for them. They come to me.

I suppose, having an open mind does wonders, and at this point, there is nothing like a heroic dose of skepticism. Skepticism is a great mental defense for the constant spray of bullshit being served out in the mainstream, these days. Buy this. Eat this. Wear this. Listen to this. Watch this. Think this. Why? "Question without question", is what I like to say. Be skeptical, always. That being said, perhaps my subconscious has been slowly programming itself to look at clocks at precisely the right moment of the day. Everyday. The concept is quite simple really. It's kind of like how our bodies will sometimes wake up just before an alarm clock goes off in the morning, or while driving your car along a road you've driven countless times before. The action is made without you even thinking about it. Breathing is another good example, and certainly not limited to other bodily functions or social behaviors either. A variety of actions and thoughts are all programmed into our subconscious which is then translated by the conscious mind. So, whose to say I'm not merely making all this up? The argument could go both directions, but I've always been one to hear out the claims of fantastical theories, and the ideas of synchronicities are no exception.

It's especially funny whenever I see synchronistic numbers on digital clocks multiple times a day. Sometimes even on consecutive hours. This past weekend, I was at a bar with some friends and every hour for 3 hours I would pick up my phone and see "11:11PM", "1:11AM", followed by "2:22AM" I felt like I was Jim Carrey in that movie 23. Walter, Carrey's character, is given a mystery novel centering around a murder plot which, for some reason, has a lot to do with the number 23. Eventually, he begins to see similarities with the character in the book to that of his own life. Soon after, he notices "23" phenomena starting to show up everywhere just like the character in the book. The ordeal turns his life around and makes him question everything he once thought was true. In the end, the 23 phenomena follows him around until he is able to solve a murder he committed many years previous before having lapsed into a coma. Interesting plot.

Though, I have not killed anyone to my knowledge, I know these experiences have purpose. The numbers I see are calling me to something. Calling me to realize what truly is. One can only figure that the theme of this blog is a peak into where I am headed. A destination to which even I am unsure. Just look at the time of my first post - 12:22PM.

Recently, I've been doing a bit of research to learn more about these synchronicities, lest I be more aware of what is going on in my life and indeed those around me. Wikipedia defines a synchronicity as, "The idea of synchronicity is that the conceptual relationship of minds, defined as the relationship between ideas, is intricately structured in its own logical way and gives rise to relationships that are not causal in nature. These relationships can manifest themselves as simultaneous occurrences that are meaningfully related."

For me, this is a technical way to describe much of what has happened in my life over the past two months. Events which, at first glance, seem to be formidable in nature but end up working out in such an illogical way that I never even saw it coming. Take for example, moving out of my old apartment. The whole event wasn't necessarily a surprise, but there was no money in my bank account. I was extremely worried about what I was going to do, and let's face it, not having money is a scary situation by itself. Let's not add homelessness to the equation.

After a few weeks of silent worry, a friend of mine, Melelani, offered to pet me up in her condo while I worked 70 hours a week for 2 months straight. Eureka! Obviously, working such long hours still sucks, but I understand that it has been best in the long run. Thanks, Mele! You really helped me out. I'm sure I'll be able repay and pay it forward at some point along this path I'm on.

On a smaller scale, about a month ago, my friend Nancy, recommended a book I should read after telling her some of the situations I had been going through. The Spiritual Warrior: The Art of Spiritual Living by John Roger, DSS is what she recommended. I hastily added the book to my ever-growing Amazon Wish List, but I quickly forgot about it. The book seemed interesting enough, but with so many other books I'm reading right now, the idea of becoming a 'Spiritual Warrior' slipped by the wayside.

A few weeks ago, I decide to take a late lunch during work for an afternoon workout. (I had to work through lunch to finish a midday game sprint, fml) My workouts usually last about an hour, but I took my time with this one. After such a stressful morning, I felt I needed it. Normally, when I get back to the office I have my keycard ready to unlock the entrance to the floor. For some reason that day, I left the card in my bag. That meant I had to stop at the door to pull the keycard out. That's when I noticed it. A book sitting on top of a metal trashcan (of all places) next to the entrance of the office. What book is it you ask? Take a guess. Needless to say, I'll be perusing through this book to find whatever information appears pertinent. Thanks, Nancy.

An author from Crystalinks says that, "Synchronicities are people, places, or events that your soul attracts into your life to help you evolve to higher consciousness or to place emphasis on something going on in your life. The more 'consciously aware' you become of how your soul manifests, the higher your frequency becomes and the faster you manifest positively. Each day your life encounters meaningful coincidences, synchronicities, that you have attracted, on other words created in the grid of your experiences in the physical. Souls create synchronicities, played out in the physical. It is why you are here. It is how our reality works."

"We have all heard the expression, "There are no accidents." This is true. All that we experience is by design, and what we attract to our physical world. There are no accidents just synchronicity wheels, the wheels of time or karma, wheels within wheels, sacred geometery, the evolution of consciousness in the alchemy of time."

Indeed, there are no accidents. No coincidences. The more I think of how things play out in my life, the more I come to understand that the people we interact with on a daily basis, the jobs we own, the places we go, right down to the toilets we poop in all have meaning. Every 'thing' has an organic purpose. We are all interconnected and our minds are powerful tools of this realization. We bring into reality what our minds focus on. This is the Law of Attraction. Synchronicites we experience keep our minds in check so that we don't get too far off the mark. Considering the state of the world at large right now, it would appear that a few people have missed the boat on this.

And why wouldn't you place clues for yourself along the way? Clues which can help guide you out of this narrow corridor we call physical reality. Clues to help guide you out of the limited and finite; and into a realization of the infinite. Of course, most people never realize this and go about their daily lives as if they are separate and isolated. They remain asleep. Completely unappreciative of the fact that nothing is seperate and that everything has purpose.

So what does this all mean? I think it means that I've come to terms with the fact that in THIS moment, we are alive and connected - Connected to each other, the animals, the earth, the stars in the sky, and indeed every dimensional manifestation. We are one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. We have never been alone. How can we ever be alone if we are part of the same oneness?! Synchronicities prove that we are not bound by anything and we indeed DO have all the right answers sitting right there in our minds. We merely need to pay attention as the play of life unfolds before our very eyes. People all over the world are beginning to realize this on a mass scale. Individuals who were once fearing, materialistic, and ego-centric are starting to understand that unconditional love for all beings, and indeed all manifestations of life is the way to go. Love is a frequency we should all be tuned to!

***I stumbled upon an old Coast 2 Coast AM radio broadcast from back in 2007. The subject was that of the date 11/11. November 11th. On this day specifically, a meditation is done on 11:11AM and PM for all of one minute. During this meditation, people all over the world join together in thoughts and feelings of complete oneness with everyone and everything else - Unconditional love. See a pattern? Of course, the meditation doesn't have to be limited to 11/11 only. 11:11 definitely comes twice a day, AM and PM, for those who follow the traditional 12 hour time scheme. I suggest you give it a whirl. Not only does it feel great to think about love, but it benefits EVERYONE. Nonetheless, it's an interesting interview and I encourage each of you who got this far along in my post to check it out. Enjoy!

Much love everyone! - Happy 11/11 :)

Waking Up

2009-10-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

My days have become unendingly monotonous. I initially wake up around 8am via the alarm clock on my iPhone. Every other day or so, I will get out of bed and go for a 30-45 minute run at this time. Once I'm back, I get ready for the day and am out the door by 9:30. On my non-running days, I sleep until my second alarm - the one at 9am, starts blaring. I hit the snooze button for 20 more minutes to finally wake for the day. I get dressed and am out the door by 9:45am

It would seem that I've somehow managed to navigate Westside Los Angeles traffic with ease enough to get to work by 10:09am everyday - regardless of when I leave. A pretty amazing feat considering how inconsistent 405 traffic can be on any given day of the week. I also live really close to my job. Whatever it is that gets me from Santa Monica to Westwood at the same time everyday - keep it up, it's pretty interesting and I get a laugh out of it.

I arrive at work, ready for another day of testing. That's right, I'm a game tester. Dream job? Best job in the world? Some people have said these things, but as of this moment, my job has become nothing more than a means of survival in the urban environment. I no longer see myself attaining a "career" in the video game industry, because my eyes are no longer jaded with fantasies of playing video games for hours on end.

When I first came to LA two years ago, I was a complete newbie to living in the big city and being apart of a large gaming scene; I only knew its casual side. I had no idea that such a large subculture of serious gamers existed in this world. Well - I knew about them, but living in Mississippi hardly granted the opportunity to be apart of it. Anyway, this is a totally different story which should be told another time ... in another blog.

The Saboteur is the game I'm currently testing - XBOX and PS3. I've been working on this project since Sept. 2008 at my current place of employment, Pandemic Studios. It's an open world, sandbox archetype set in late 1930s, Nazi occupied Paris, France. Think Grand Theft Auto + Gears of War + Assasin's Creed, all rolled into one.

After playing it for a year straight, I believe I've successfully weened myself off of playing other games I used to be more apt to playing ... *cough* ... World of Warcraft. I should probably be thankful that my job severed my connection to WoW, however I'm unable to play any game like I used to. It's just no longer appealing. Maybe I've just simply lost interest, and perhaps, I'll get back into games after a hiatus. For now, I'm enjoying not playing anything else outside of work.

My job on the project, besides regular testing, is that of being a "Sprinter". Unfortunately, I don't literally run through the office. (Although that would be a lot of fun.) As soon as I get settled at my desk, I am to literally play through the game as fast as I can and report any major progression stopping issues for the development team to fix throughout the day.

This is what I do. Everyday - 10am to 10pm. Sometimes, my hours last until 12am. Sometimes 2am. Fun, right? This has most recently the case for the past few weeks. I sit by my window at work everyday, watching clouds form and fly away into the ether. I can see mountains in the background. Sometimes they are snowy, sometimes foggy. I can see the sunset as it fades away into the bluffs down by the beaches. I can see planes taking off from LAX and fly right over our building. I wonder where they are going. Who knows? Does it really matter?

Thoughts like the ones above cause a person to question many things about the way they perceive life or the reality around them. For instance, I've found myself thinking - Can this be it? Is this what I went to school for? To earn money? To have a productive career? Is this really what life is all about? Going in to an office 5 and 6 days out of the week, staring at a computer screen until my eyes bleed? Going home to watch the same TV programs over and over again? Reading the same magazines, going to the same bars, eating the same terrible food, and then going to sleep only to wake up and do the same thing all over again? This isn't it for me. I know there is something deeper.

These questions aren't limited to my job alone either; They can fit anyone's perspective. Step out of your comfort zone and think about it for 5 minutes. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and just think about what you do on a daily basis. Does it make you happy? Is this really what you want? You might be surprised.

There is a feeling deep within my heart, soul, mind, psyche, whatever you want to call it, that's trying very hard to show itself. An awareness itching to peek its head out into the open. One that longs to know where my being fits in to all that is perceived. Whatever this feeling is, it knows that I don't belong in this office anymore.